The Lost Exodus Chapters

And the LORD spake unto Moses, and said unto him: "Now therefore, behold, the cry of the Children of Canada is come unto me: and I have also seen the oppression wherewith the Kurds oppress them. I shall bring them up out of that land unto a good and broad land for a wee holiday, unto a land flowing with ouzo and spanakopita; unto the place of the Greeks. Come now therefore, and I will send thee unto Pharaoh, that thou mayest bring forth my people the Children of Canada out of Kurdistan."

And Moses answered and said, "But, behold, they will not believe me, nor hearken unto my voice: for they will say, The LORD hath not appeared unto thee."

And the LORD said unto Moses, "Go in unto Pharaoh, for I have hardened his heart, and the heart of his servants, that I might show these my signs before him and that thou mayest tell in the ears of thy son, and of thy son's son, what things I have wrought in Kurdistan, and my signs which I have done among them; that ye may know how that I am the LORD."

Moses did as the LORD commanded: "This is what the LORD says: 'Let This Cat and Mr. This Cat´s (Not Abroad) and Celeste the Dog go on holiday, so that they may worship me. If you do not let my people go, I will send swarms of mosquitoes on you and your officials, on your people and into your houses. The houses of the Kurds will be full of mosquitoes, and even the ground where they are.'"

But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, so that he would not let the Children of Canada go.

And Pharaoh said, "Who is the LORD, that I should obey his voice to let the Children of Canada? I know not the LORD, neither will I let This Cat, Mr. This Cat's (Not Abroad) or Celeste the Dog go on holiday."

Then the LORD said to Moses, "Stretch out your hand toward the sky so that a stultifying heat as if from a fiery furnace will spread over Kurdistan—heat that can be breathed and felt and that withers all living things." So Moses stretched out his hand toward the sky, and a stultifying heat as if from a fiery furnace covered all of Kurdistan for seven weeks. No one could breathe or eat or function for seven weeks.

But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, so that he would not let the Children of Canada go.

This is what the LORD, the God of the Canadians, says: "How long will you refuse to humble yourself before me? Let This Cat and Mr. This Cat´s (Not Abroad) and Celeste the Dog go on holiday, so that they may worship me. If you refuse to let them go, I will bring huge honking locusts into your country tomorrow. They will cover the face of the ground so that it cannot be seen. They will devour what little you have left after the hail, including every tree that is growing in your fields. They will fill your houses and those of all your officials and all the Kurds—something neither your fathers nor your forefathers have ever seen from the day they settled in this land till now."

And the huge honking locusts came up over all the land of the Kurds, and rested in all the coasts of Kurdistan: very grievous were they; before them there were no such huge honking locusts they, neither after them shall be such.

But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, so that he would not let the Children of Canada go.

This is what the LORD says: "Let This Cat and Mr. This Cat´s (Not Abroad) and Celeste the Dog go on holiday, so that they may worship me. If you do not let my people go, I will send swarms of humongous flying cockroaches on you and your officials, on your people and into your houses. The houses of the Kurds will be full of humongous flying cockroaches, and even the ground where they are."

And Pharaoh said unto Moses, "Get thee from me, take heed to thyself, see my face no more; get thee to Greece four weeks hence."

And Moses said, "Thou hast spoken well, I will see thy face again no more but the Children of Canada shall get thee a t-shirt from the Hard Rock Café in Athens."

And the LORD did grin. (Exodus 7 and 3/4's, parts A - F)